Friday, May 26, 2017

The Rules

So your parents forced you to move into an old house with hidden passages and there's a burnt out mansion outside your bedroom window. Or maybe you grew up in a small house at the beginning of Fear Street and the dark and terrifying has just started to worm it’s way into your life. Congratulations, you’re the protagonist in a Fear Street novel!

I know what you’re thinking, how do I make it out of this alive and with all my body parts intact? The real answer is, you probably don’t have a chance, but there are a few precautions you can take to survive a Fear Street novel. On this edition of Fear Street Fridays, we present to you...

The 5 rules one must abide by to survive a Fear Street Novel

  1. Never date the mysterious newcomer
    The guy or gal you see in the hallway that always seems to appear out of nowhere and nobody else has ever heard of is not the person of your dreams! They are either a) dead b) a murderer c) both. Just spend some time with your next door neighbor or maybe ask out someone from the chess club. They never seem to be involved in satanic rituals or dares that go horribly wrong.

  2. Don't have a younger sibling
    If you already have a younger sibling you may want to consider locking your door at night because said younger sibling is jealous of you and will try to murder you. Honestly, it’s better just to not have one in the first place. Maybe there’s an old cuckoo clock in your new house that can help you take care of that?

  3. Don't go on any trips or vacations
    So it’s been a few weeks on Fear Street and all the weird shit is starting to get to you. You start to think, “I need to get out of here for a while and clear my head. Nothing could go wrong if I’m not even on Fear Street, right?” WRONG. You’re tainted now. There’s nothing you can do to get away from it. If you go on vacation or up to visit your significant other at school everything will go batshit while your guard’s down. It’s better to stay home where at least you know to be cautious.

  4. Don't join the cheerleader squad
    I know the pom poms and lifts look fun. Everyone, once in their life, wonders what it’s like to be the girl at the top of the pyramid, but don’t give into temptation. Sure, at a normal school you’d have to worry about becoming one of the bitchy popular girls or being peer pressured to take diet pills to lose those last pesky 5 lbs, but this is Shadyside High. Here it’s all demon possessions and dead bodies in the locker room. Not something that looks good on a college application.

  5. Don't go to Shadyside University
    Are you kidding? You managed to survive 18 years on the most terrifying street, in the most terrifying town in America and instead of getting out as fast as you can you choose to stay local for college? Are you nuts? This is your last chance! Get out now! Run as fast as you can and never look back!

One last piece of advice: stay away from anyone named Fear or Goode. Those relationships never end well.

Those are the rules. Follow them and maybe today won't be your last. Good luck!

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